I have realized, pretty quickly that my joy is gone. Yeah, I have really happy moments and times that I love, but at this point in my life those are pretty spread out. I feel like so much is happening in my life all at one time and it's getting kind of hard to juggle it all. I have a ball of labled "work".. am I staying at this job for a while or am I going to be trying to find another job and if I find another job what am I going to be doing? What do I want to do? I have another ball labled "living"... am I moving to Houston? If so, where am I going to live? How am I going to afford it? I will need a really good job to be able to afford living there. There is another one I am juggling, "love"... I am trying to love well and not be selfish in my relationships with my family, boyfriend, and friends. I haven't been feeling super loved and I feel like I am not loving people very well.. that my love is based on how THEY love ME. If I pour out myself to them and I don't get back what I feel I should, I feel vulnerable and pull away. But I don't even just pull away, I think of ways to make them feel bad so that I won't feel so vulnerable.. I know, it's horrible! Maybe it's a cycle?! Like because I'm not feeling loved, I don't love well and because I don't love well, they have a hard time loving me well (wether purposefully or subconsciously) and so it just keeps going around and around... So, I am trying to work on my selfishness and desperate desire for the love of humans. I am juggling another one, probably the biggest one, labled "GOD". I haven't been spending the time with Him that I need to be, or seeking Him in the way I should and I know it's not about what I DO for Him but my HEART for Him. And I desperately want to be close to Him, but at the same time I don't want to be "good". One thing my brother told me the other day that really stuck was "Whitney, you don't have to be good or even WANT to be good for the Lord to love you". WOW! What a concept, the Lord loves me where I'm at. I don't think I have ever really been able to grasp that concept. I desperately wish I could.
I want to enjoy life. I want to run through fields carefree. I want to stop and enjoy a sunset. I want to dance in the rain. I want to love sparkles again. I want to smile and really feel it. I want to stop going through ups and downs emotionally. I want to breath in the air with my hands spread out, embracing life. I want to walk through life with a confidence and a boldness. I want to love the people around me... REALLY love them and love them WELL. I want to love Jesus. I want to have a burning passion for Him again. I want to be FREE! I want to be HAPPY!! I want to have JOY!
Sorry to be such a Debby-downer, but this is my life right now.
